Snap Judgements About the New Bachelor Contestants


ABC’s romance juggernaut The Bachelor races back to the airwaves in 2018 in a quest to find a match for Formula 1 driver Arie Luyendyk, Jr. it’s not a moment too soon. Today, the network released profiles on all 29 of Arie’s potential lovemates, prompting three very important questions: 1) With whom will we be obsessed/deathly afraid? 2) How soon does this circus begin? 3) Who is Arie again?

ABC/Paul Hebert

ABC has a video under each profile titled “Remember Arie?” which is a sure sign that a character has made an indelible impression on the hearts and minds of Bachelor Nation. Apparently Arie—who is somehow neither the noncommittal salt-and-pepper snack Peter nor the guileless dog-lover Dean—came really close to winning Emily Maynard’s heart six years ago. Spoiler alert for those of you whose DVRs are still a little full: he didn’t. And now he’s back and… moderately excited about the prospect of finding love.

Having the time of my life with the millennials.

ABC/Paul Hebert

Of course, the true joy of any Bachelor/ette iteration is the merry band of love and/or fame-hungry contestants. Which person will be clawing their way into America’s hearts with drunken malapropisms, strange costumes, or Instagram endorsement deals? It all starts today, the Bachelor equivalent of Christmas morning.

Arie must choose only one of the 29 women to profess his undying love for. But we can fall for as many as we want. Having comb through the Q&As with all 29 women, here’s some snap judgements, some questions, and one wild observation.

Already obsessed with: Bibiana

ABC/Craig Sjodin

The Bachelor questionnaire is purposefully bland, asking the kinds of non-controversial questions that you might get in the opening moments of a Tinder conversation with a non-“Cat Person.” It’s hard for contestants to truly break free of the form’s constraints, which is why when one does it’s an attention-grabbing feat. Bibiana, an executive assistant from Miami, mixes non sequiturs with contradictions and I’m so confused and so in love.

“Would you consider yourself a lover of art?” The Bachelor asks. Bibiana responds, “Yes. Wish I could be art.” First of all, I’m shewk by this phrasing. It’s like she’s dashing off a reply by text whilst running into a meeting. “Wish I could be art. Will explain later. Thnx.” But no explanation comes. What is keepign Bibiana from being art? Does she want to be a human canvas or does she literally wish she was the Mona Lisa? How will this play out in at the ranch? Will she spend all of her time standing by the walls, motionless? I cannot wait.

Later in the interview, she mentions that she was rookie of the year and co-captain as a cheerleader for the Miami Dolphins. Then, in the very next answer, she says her least favorite sport is football. “Weird, since I was a cheerleader, but I secretly hated the games.” Bibiana contains such dark multitudes! I am obsessed with her standing still on the sidelines of the Hard Rock Stadium, pretending to be the Venus de Milo, vowing revenge on the game of football. This is a plot arc I am very invested in this year.

I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so scared: Kendall

ABC/Craig Sjodin

Okay, Kendall is a piece of work and I am prepared to stan. She’s a Creative Director from Santa Clarita, which could literally mean anything. On The Bachelor people’s descriptions of their employment always sounds as obscure and unspecific as a dinner special at a trendy restaurant. What do you mean smoke foam? Is that a thing I should eat or is it a problem? Anyway, she directs, creatively. We’ll see.

The real deal is, of course, her answers. Right out of the gate she says that if she could be any animal she’d be a bat. She punctuates the claim by saying “Flying mammal!” which is… accurate but doesn’t clarify. Smoke foam?

Not to yuck her yum, but bats are yucky. That’s just me. Kendall would disagree. She says, “I see beauty in dark things.” I swear, if she does some kind of blood ritual with Arie I will lose my mind!

Next question: what’s the most outrageous thing you’ve done? Her: “I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train.”

Me:

The most romantic present she’s received: “My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar!” LOL at the exclamation point. First of all, I never think of alligator’s having hands, so this sounds hilarious and adorable. Second of all, this is so intense. It’s like if intensity drew a self portrait and you looked at it and were like “Oh God, intensity. Chill out a little.” No matter what happens this season, Kendall will hold a death grip of my iron heart in her mighty alligator hand.

Battle of the Brits

This is Brittane J. She would like to have lunch with “Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders and Beyoncé.”

ABC/Craig Sjodin

And this is Brittany T. She would like to have lunch with “Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Chris Evans.”

ABC/Craig Sjodin

If you remove the common element of Beyoncé, whom everyone should want to dine with, you’re left with Whitney Houston, Chris Evans, Hillary and Bernie and all I want is for the two Brits to spend the entire season arguing about the Democratic Primary and bonding over celebrities who seem like they’re actually lovely people. Perhaps we can get a special appearance by Donna Brazille at some point. That should be good for some drama.

Most excited to get on The View

Becca K. from Prior Lake, MN, mentions Sister Act 2 twice in her seven question interview. This is very impressive.

ABC/Craig Sjodin

First, she names the sequel as one of her top three favorite films and then when asked what’s the most embarrassing thing she listens to, she replies, “the Sister Act 2 soundtrack, which I don’t think is embarrassing at all, but my friends disagree.”

It’s clear that while everyone else is going for Arie’s attention, Becca’s just here for the opportunity to meet fellow ABC star Whoopi Goldberg on The View and ask her questions about Lauryn Hill. Smart strategy, Becca.

And finally, wait… what?

Caroline, a realtor from Massachusetts, gives a fairly standard interview. She mentions that she likes to blast Celine Dion in the car, which is the correct answer. But then, grammatically and conceptually, things go a little awry.

ABC.com

First, the question. “What hair color do you secret love to have?” What does this mean? Does she secretly have a hair color that we don’t know about but yet she loves? Has she been circumspect about loving the hair color that we can clearly see? Is the answer just brown? Because she’s a brunette? Or is it blonde? What do they want from her?

Second, her answer. “I’m pretty into that redhead from Riverdale.” Caroline sees your odd phrasing and raises you with thirst.

None of it makes any sense and I’m already obsessed.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.





Source link